i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
