he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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