I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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