just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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