She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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