Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
