The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
