and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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