we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
