Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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