i would punch a child for taco bell
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
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