The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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