i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
