I'm passing your future prison.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
