I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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