The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
