oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
