Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
