the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
