Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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