You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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