mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So I just went to clothing optional bar
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
