I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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