I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
