Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
