True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
