My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
