Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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