Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Randomize
