somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
