I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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