If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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