He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
