Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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