I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
