thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
