Got a toothbrush?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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