Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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