you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
