So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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