My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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