All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon