i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
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his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house