I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
