Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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