I am puke
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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