I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
