So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
