she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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