My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
