Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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