I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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