Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
