My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
