I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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