Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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