We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
