Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
