forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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