ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
