i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
