I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
