capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
