I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
