I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
